balancing is hard to do.

I've been thinking about balance lately and how I'm not so great at it.

More often than not, I feel like a person carrying a huge stack of way too many books.  A stack that is very heavy, and the books on the top of the stack keep slipping off and falling onto the floor, but I can't just leave those books on the floor, I have to find a way to pick them back up again. But I can't see the floor because my book stack is too tall, so I bend down and grope around on the ground with my hand hoping I'll find them.  But as I'm searching, things are getting pretty heavy and my one arm is starting to burn from supporting all the other books, and after a while all the precarious balancing turns into leaning and sagging and falling and a whole lot more books on the floor. 

That's how I feel sometimes.

I don't know where to begin really, not because the things I'm balancing are so hard or awful.  Actually most of the things I'm trying to carry are very good things.  Things that are worth carrying. And maybe that makes them harder to let go of.  

Maybe that makes it even more frustrating when they fall out of my hands.

Raising two little girls, each with a very different, very demanding set of needs. Hoping that the choices I make in how I care for them now will help guide them on a path that will lead them to walk with and love Jesus and others and themselves.  Worrying that I might be a hindrance somehow.

Choosing how I spend my free time. Wanting to spend it growing skills and turning dreams into realities. Not wanting to neglect my husband or my children for the sake of achievement and status and looking good in the eyes of others. 

Looking toward the future without sacrificing the present.

If I'm honest, the present gets sacrificed a lot.

Cultivating friendships, getting time for myself, keeping the house clean, training my toddler to be a decent human, documenting our life through photos, writing, loving my husband well, Bible study, budgeting, getting enough sleep, reading books, dealing with conflicts in relationships, learning to knit, holding my baby, helping to lighten the loads of friends, spending time with family, sharing vulnerable parts of my life with friends, sharing vulnerable parts of my life here and on Instagram, deciding whether to give to a good cause, walking closely with Jesus, being informed about what's going on in the world, laundry, play dates, a vast range of emotions on a daily basis, a vast range of thoughts on a daily basis, lots of small opportunities throughout the day to choose joy and thankfulness, lots of opportunities throughout the day to choose grumbling and dragging my feet, accepting that the work I do right now is small, striving to have that work be seen and validated by others.

Just some real, practical things I carry, that I think most of us carry in some way, that tend to stack up and stack up until I'm just not sure how to hold them.

But I want to hold them well so badly.  I want to handle even the hard ones and heavy ones with wisdom and grace and love.  But the weight is overwhelming sometimes, and I lose the ability to see clearly how, exactly, this is done.

I guess I just wanted to write about this struggle.  I guess it just feels good to get it pinned down with words.  I'm in the thick of it right now, so I'm not sure if I have anything that is super profound or wise or encouraging on how to find a healthy good balance.

Maybe you do? 

Clear priorities, would probably be good.  To sit down and really figure out which things truly matter, which are refreshing, which need more time, which are not so beneficial, which are just not really that important right now.

I need to learn which things should be at the bottom of the stack, wrapped tight in my arms, safe from the threat of falling to the floor, and I need to learn which things can be put back on the shelf for later.

I also need to learn which things are just fine being left on the floor. 

Maybe it's not so hard to figure out, but I'm finding it's very hard to actually put into practice.

Some good questions to ask myself come to mind:

How much? How often? Why? What's my motivation?

And some verses, too, for when I'm tempted to give too much focus to the things that aren't important:

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these thing will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

Maybe I'm losing my balance because I'm straining my neck to see how tall or interesting other people's stacks are.

Maybe I don't give myself space for quiet things, for not thinking through everything so much.  

Maybe I spend too much time fearing I'm not enough.

Maybe my stacking strategy is all wrong.  Maybe I'm trying to stack heavy on top of light and flimsy, and the support I need just isn't there.

Maybe I need to spend more time learning how to allow myself grace when I just can't handle everything well.

I'm not sure...maybe all of these things are true.

Whatever the reason for this unbalance of mine, I'd like to find a way to set it right.

I'd like to be able to nestle into these moments I'm living without feeling like I need to think about a billion other things.  I'd like to get my feet sandy and wet with Evie while she plays at the beach.  I'd like to fully appreciate the golden warmness of sunlight tangled up in my eyelashes and in the wisps of Nora's hair without my mind being miles away with something that isn't really that important.

I think balancing well might be a little like exercising. You just have to take that first step toward making a change.  That first little step that turns into a jog that turns into a run.

If you can relate to this kind of struggle, I would welcome any thoughts or advice.

Maybe it's just nice to know we aren't alone as we figure out how to carry our loads.

Eleanora: 10 months.

Ahhh! I can't believe we are two short months away from Nora's first birthday.  Oh my goodness.

One thing Nora has been gaining pretty solidly since she was born, thank goodness, is weight.  She now weighs 17 pounds, and has gotten a bit difficult for Mike to lift into the particular position that we've been putting her in for these monthly photos.  He tried to hold her above his head to get the same effect, but it was not the same.  And kind of dangerous looking, as you'll see from the two photos I included from our blooper reel.

In the end, having Mike in the photo with Nora was our best option and turned out really cute.  

I have all these conflicting emotions in me that could spill themselves into another post.  But I feel a little bit sad because my baby, who sometimes still seems so new and little, is growing, quite speedily, into a toddler.  Soon that thigh chunk will shrink and those cheeks will slim, and she'll be walking and talking with real words.

But on the other hand, I am so excited for her to learn so many new things.  I look forward to watching her take her first steps and toddle after her sister.  I can't wait for her to become more of a playmate for Evie instead of just a sort of pet.  Which is how Evie treats her most of the time.

I feel anxious because I know I'm not always as present as I should be, and time goes by so fast.  I'm not always soaking up and fully savoring each moment I have with her sweet baby self.

I feel guilty because there are so many hard things that come with having a baby, and I don't always enjoy this baby raising thing.

I feel so much joy when I see her crawling and exploring her world.  

I love the smell of her skin and the fluff of her hair and the big huge smile she gives me when she sees me.  I love her floppy hand wave, like she's still not sure how her hand works.  And I love her chattering and squealing and chortling and chuckling, and I think that nothing could be more wonderful than this baby raising thing.

I'm trying to enjoy this time so much.  I know I could do better.  But isn't this how things go?

Kind of imperfectly and perfect and stressful and amazing all at once?

There really isn't a ton new to report this month.  Nora keeps getting stronger and more confident with her legs.  She loves getting into stuff and grabbing stuff and eating stuff.  Especially sand.  And to my great dismay, she has had a hard time sleeping at night.  Lately she's been up for two hours straight, and it's such a fight to get her back to sleep.  I'm hoping this is just from all the teeth she's about to get and that she'll go back to sleeping through the night soon.  

Anyway...no matter what, we love you Nora!  

an adventure into bread making.

A couple afternoons ago, Evie and I tried our hands at making homemade bread.  This is not a regular occurrence at our house, I should preface, in case you mistake us for the always super crafty and handy and creative. If I had my way, we'd just eat Trader Joe's frozen meals every night and curl up on the couch with a movie.

But I'll be honest, I'd like to be super crafty and handy and creative with my kids.  I don't want the thing they look forward to most in their day to be watching tv.  I want to create sweet, interactive and engaging memories for them to remember when they're older.  And I want to foster a productive spirit in them.

But this is extremely intimidating to me for some reason.  I kind of freeze up mentally when I think of how to be creative with them.  But I think the trick to making new habits or ways of living stick is to just start, to do that one little next step to make a change.  No matter what it looks like or how bad you fail. And so one of the things that came to mind was baking bread.  

I remember when I first had homemade bread myself.  It was in college, and I think I was visiting an older friend or a family (the details are kind of fuzzy...) in my church.  I just remember feeling so comforted and loved because they has made this homemade, delicious thing and shared it with me.

And I'd like to do that for my girls, and maybe in the future, do it for our friends.

So that's how this came about.

I'll tell the story of the actual experience more in photos than words, but I used this very simple recipe, and though it did not go perfectly, overall, I'm glad we did it!

So, Evie had a hard time understanding the concept of waiting for the dough to rise, and actually wasn't too happy with this...lots of whining and wanting to lift the cloth and touch the dough, but we remedied this hiccup with snacks....lots of snacking on banana chips.

And just in case you think we are way too picturesque, this is what Nora was doing while we were working. Actually one of the trickiest parts of this whole endeavor was keeping Nora happy.  And I wasn't really successful because I was by myself.  So Evie and I made bread to the soundtrack of much whining and frustrated crying. 

But we all survived.

Woo hoo for freshly baked bread!  I think Evie had a fun time. It definitely kept her engaged for a good couple hours, except for the waiting parts. And the bread came out great!  So yummy.  But I made Evie a piece with peanut butter the next morning for breakfast, and she gagged on it and wouldn't eat it.  I guess she didn't like the texture?

So that was a little bit of a bummer because I wanted her to enjoy the fruits of our labor, but she didn't seem too devastated.

I've been enjoying it quite a bit, though.  It's so good with butter, almond butter and honey (all of that on it at once...don't judge me).  And I just bought a jar of ghee because I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, and I'm looking forward to trying that.

Overall, I would call this a win, and we will keep looking for unique and fun things to do!  And of course we will still enjoy some movies every now and then, too...okay probably like every other day.  I think that's a good balance right?

I would love to know what kind of fun things you are trying with your toddlers, so please feel free to share in the comments!

learning to receive.

If you look closely at this photo, you'll notice a little blue blur on the left.

That's my Evie, in all her two-year-old splendor, not staying put.

Sometimes, when the weather is fine and the sun is just beginning to think about setting, we go to this nature preserve by our house for some quality family time.  It's supposed to be fun and relaxing and unifying, but on this particular day, it was mostly none of those things.

I really, really wanted to take some nice photos.  But for some reason, Evie was more interested in frolicking and picking up shells and messing with sand than standing in the same spot for longer than a few seconds. And for some reason, my husband was more interested in walking together and enjoying our surroundings.

But there I was, determined to have my beautiful pictures and basically dragging poor Evie off of the path and into the "pretty" part of the trail (I'm not even sure we were allowed to do that...), traipsing through grass and brush like a crazy person and trying to get her to stand on a tree stump. And she was whining and screaming Noooo!! and clearly less than delighted with the idea of utilizing her toddler coordination to balance on a tree stump and running away from me, and I'm jumping around desperately trying to find something that would keep her attention long enough so I could take SOME-BEAUTIFUL-DARN-PICTURES-FOR-PETE'S-SAKE!!!!

Mike was holding Nora at the edge of the path, and I probably don't need to explain why he was also more than a little frustrated with me.  

I learned a good lesson that day. If I want to document a beautiful and meaningful moment with my lens, I probably need to just let go of trying to force everything.  I learned that I need to let my family be and receive the beautiful moments as they come instead of grabbing moments and trying to squeeze the beauty out of them.

I think about this lesson because I think it is true for life, too.

I want life to be filled with my version of beautiful.  In my mind this includes a lot more success and achievement.  It sometimes includes being more and doing more.  It includes recognition and validation and approval and people thinking I'm interesting.

This version of beauty isn't always my reality, so I grab at the little details and desires throughout my everyday and drag them off of the path and try to squeeze and force them into this beauty on my terms.

This usually looks like me putting too much hope in the work of my hands instead of in the One who created my hands.  It looks like spending too much time on my phone, comparing myself to others, coveting blessings that aren't mine and buying things I don't need. It looks like taking what I think I deserve instead of being content with what I have.

But in the end I don't ever really make anything beautiful. I just end up with an exasperated and discouraged version of myself and my family.

"...A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven." -John 3:27

This verse has become my little breath of fresh air when I find myself desperately wanting to strain and strive and gain.

It might seem like this knowledge would be restricting and frustrating, but it's freeing to me.    

It gives me the ability to rest from feeling like I have to whip up the beauty.  

It gives me the freedom to work with what I have received instead of feeling like I need to take what I want.

At first glance, to receive and to take seem like similar actions.  When I looked up the definition of take, it included words like to seize or to capture by force, power and control. But if you look up the definition of receive, it speaks of being filled up like a cistern is filled with water.

We can take all the beauty we think we can out of life, but we won't ever be filled.

The filling comes when we learn to receive well.

So much in this season of raising small children is filled with things that don't at first appear to be beautiful. A lot of the time it may not seem like we have been given much to work with at all.

But when we can let go of the need to take and learn to simply receive, I think we'll see beauty happening. It's happening naturally all through this simple life of doing these things, changing these diapers, loving this family and holding these hands. 

What matters most is the receiving.

Accepting with arms wide open the gifts God gives and to allow Him to use these gifts to fill our lives with true, lasting beauty.

a little bit of awesome: part 4.

I mainly used this photo because I didn't know which photo to use for the beginning of this post, but, coffee is, indeed, awesome. Especially coffee with artsy steamed milk on top and especially when it's enjoyed with friends.

So...there's that.

Anyway, all of us ladies have come down with colds, and Evie's got a fever, so we've been cooped up in the house.  No fancy coffee at a hip coffee shop for me today.

But I wanted to share this post I've been working on that does contain some other awesome things that will hopefully be encouraging or just interesting.  Just some tiny details and things that have made my days a little brighter.

I hope you enjoy!

1.) The Hope Ledger, a blog post from She Writes Here- I stumbled across this blog post recently on how to store up hope through memory keeping, and I was so inspired.  Mainly because it gave me some meaningful ideas for what to do with all the photos I take.

I'm pretty active with posting photos to Instagram, and I also have a subscription to Chatbooks, which prints your Instagram photos into a physical photo book automatically for every 60 photos you post.  And that's awesome, but I have so many other photos that don't make it there that I want to keep track of.  Unfortunately, I'm really bad at printing when it's not super easy. But I do believe printing photos is so important. 

I took the author's advice and printed my photos from Social Print Studio, and I was super happy with how they came out.  I bought two sets of the mini prints, and they are made with quality and are just super cute because of how teeny they are.  They'll fit perfectly into a journal or notebook.

If you have a desire to do something with all the photos you take, but feel intimidated with starting, I think you'll find this post gives really helpful, manageable ideas to keep your photos (and the memories they hold) in a lovely and meaningful way.

2.) "Song of the Sea"-  This has become one of my favorite children's movies probably ever. The animation is more like art, so whimsical and unique. And the story was so heart warming (yet a little bittersweet) and deep, too.  I think you can tell how good a kids' movie is if both the parents and the kids enjoy it.  And we all enjoyed this movie so much.  It's free on Amazon Prime right now, so if you have that, definitely check it out! 

3.) Mixed Berry Pie Bites- I made these for the first time last weekend when we had some friends over for dinner, and they were delicious.  I got it off Pinterest, which is a risk sometimes.  You just never know with these recipes that look easy and yummy.  I've had more than one Pinterest fail, let's just leave it at that.  But this one was both yummy and fairly easy.  It was a little bit messy...lots of berry juice oozing out and berries not staying in their squares but it actually turned out not to be that big of a deal because it came out just fine. I recommend giving these a try and serving them with ice cream. Super yummy.

.... And it was so yummy that there was hardly any left to take photos of so I tried to do my best with what was left.

Which was not much, as you can see.

4.) Making things with Evie- Lately, I've been realizing just how much of a little helper my oldest girl desires to be.  She loves helping me with making cookies or cards for people, and she gets excited to help with boring things like sweeping or sorting clothes.  My tendency is to think, Oh, she's only two. She can't do that.  But now I see that she is capable of so much more than I think...granted, she operates at a much slower and not-so-efficient pace, but I want to foster this attitude of helpfulness in her.  I want to encourage and challenge her to try new things and work with me on projects.  I think it helps her build confidence, too, when she achieves these little victories.  

So all this got me thinking it would be cool to try some craft projects with her, and I came across this children's version of embroidery from @naturallycuriouschildren on Instagram.  

So I have to be honest, this project didn't go over quite as well as I had hoped.  I think she still might be a little too young to understand the concept of threading the yarn from back to front.  But I'm glad we tried, and I'll hang onto the supplies for when she's just a bit older, maybe around three.

I also found this cool account with fun, creative ideas that might be worth trying, too: @theworkspaceforchildren.  And another idea I'd like to try is making homemade bread or muffins.  She really loved helping me bake Christmas cookies, so I thought this might be fun.  

5.) "Bunny Roo, I Love You" by Melissa Marr and Teagan White- I got this book for the girls for Valentine's Day, and it is just so sweet.  It's not what I expected, which turned out to be a really pleasant surprise.  But basically, it's about all the ways a mother cares for her baby but told in a simple yet creative and poetic way.  Plus, the illustrations are lovely.  This is one of those books you keep so your kids can read it to their kids.  Just because it conveys the love of a parent so well. 

I hoped you enjoyed this little bit of awesome!  As always, I'd love to hear about any awesome things you've come across, so feel free to share in the comments!