a beginning.

Our new baby girl shot into our world like a bullet.  A bullet with a full head of hair.  We thought we were ready, but when little Evangeline landed, she left us shell-shocked and helplessly in love. All six pounds and three ounces of her.  It’s amazing how a being so small can affect so much. We’ve had three months with her, and I think Shakespeare would be ok with me saying, “Though she be but little, she is fierce!” 

Cute as a button, but fierce. 

She already knows what she likes and doesn’t, and she will make sure you hear about it if she doesn’t. 

Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done or will do in my life. I never really believed people when they told me that. I think it is one of those things you have to go through yourself to truly understand. The first eight weeks seemed as if she cried and screamed more than anything else. When you’ve tried everything you can think of to comfort your baby and nothing is working, it is a terrible and suffocating powerlessness that takes hold of you. You think, “I am going to lose my mind. I am going to bang my head against this wall over and over again.  I think that will be helpful in this situation.”  Even more so at three in the morning.

Yet motherhood is also the most meaningful and the most beautiful thing I’ll ever do. When she watches me with those big blue eyes and gives me a huge, scrunchy-nosed smile, it is one of the best feelings in the world. When I watch her study her little hands and wring them together, learning how to use them, I realize what a gift it is to be here to witness a tiny human grow. And what a responsibility. Woa.

I’m beginning this blog to help me store moments like these. 

More often than not, I have a tendency to get myself down and focusing on the mud when there are stars in the sky, if you know what I mean. At the same, I don’t want to ignore the difficult or gloss over it like it doesn’t exist because it is worth storing too. It is there to teach and to grow us.

In the midst of all these moments, one of the most encouraging thoughts is though I’m recording our story here, there is Someone else actually writing it. Someone who is good and wise and never gets writer’s block. Someone who delights in the noble, the beautiful, the lovely. Someone who never, ever writes a story without a purpose.

And this is worth remembering.