Sometimes I get stuck.
When this happens my husband likes to endearingly compare me to a computer that won't load with one of those hourglasses just sitting there on the screen for forever. I, however, use a Mac and prefer to call this the rainbow wheel of death.
I may not be the only one this happens to, but just in case I am, I'll describe what this is like. Usually it happens when I'm trying to make a decision. Sometimes it's silly things that shouldn't cause me such stress like, Should I buy Evie a new jumperoo or wait till the baby thrift shop gets one in so we can save money? Which restaurant should we go to? Which color should we paint the walls?
I also get jammed up with bigger things, too. Can I handle adding more responsibility to my plate? Did I say or do the wrong thing in that situation that happened earlier? I over and overanalyze the words of friends or family members who may not have meant to hurt my feelings but did. And sometimes I can't seem to silence discouraging thoughts about myself that are not true but start to become true as I play them on constant repeat in my mind.
My head begins to hurt. My eyes glaze over. I can neither come to a conclusion nor break the cycle of madness, so I just sit there, my rainbow wheel a turnin', wearily turn to my husband and say quietly, "I'm stuck."
He is always so quick to help and encourage, but in the end, I need to learn how to press the reset button by myself.
The truth is I'm not usually stuck on refreshing conversations or encouraging words or excitement for the day ahead of me. I'm usually stuck in the negative, fearful and worrisome thoughts I keep tucked tightly near the surface of my heart. I take them out of their dwelling place, and I nurse them. I feed them. I spend my time on them. I turn to them when I have a spare moment, just to look at them. Just to think them a little longer.
The sad reality is that as I'm devoting so much of myself to these thoughts, they become my treasures. As twisted as that sounds.
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Matthew 6:21
Even as I write this, I'm thinking, Nope. There's no way I treasure these things. I hate how they make me feel.
And such irony it is that the thoughts and feelings I am so cherishing by giving them so much of my time are the same that make me so miserable.
And when I'm so focused on the mud, it naturally follows that I'll wade right into it and get myself stuck.
So what can I do next time I realize I'm wallowing around, treasuring a bunch of dirty-water thoughts?
Look up and see there are mountains despite the muck.
I could see there is much to be thankful for, so many joyful thoughts to dwell on and plenty of worthy projects to ponder putting into action if I only look at them from the proper perspective.
My baby girl is learning and growing and laughing and investigating this world, and I rejoice in watching her.
My feelings might have been hurt, but I choose to offer a hand full of grace and believe the best.
I have the freedom to explore creative little ways to show love to my daughter and my husband. This shouldn't stifle me. It should grow me.
There is so much for me to dwell on that has the power to move me forward into fruitful decisions and actions. I just need to choose to cherish these that give life instead of those that give misery.
"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praise worthy- think about such things." ~Philippians 4:8
And if I can keep my gaze lifted on what is worthy of being my heart's treasure, I think I'll find the mountains are quite a bit larger than I had imagined, the mud isn't quite so deep and I'm not as stuck as I thought I was.