These days we are doing much disguised as very little.
These days I am waking up at 2am and then maybe 5am and maybe again at 6:30am.
These days Evie is up by 7:30am.
We are still watching lots of movies. We fill our brains with quotes and song lyrics and scraps of scenery from Tangled and Frozen and Finding Nemo and Minions.
The opening scene in Finding Nemo is much more traumatic than I remember it being when I watched it before I had kids.
We are still feeling very much like we are in survival mode. But perhaps the surviving isn't quite as desperate, not quite hanging on by only one thread....more like some solid three thread hanging, these days.
I'm not accomplishing much writing. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing much of anything, actually.
These days at least half of our family does a lot of screaming and crying. I feel like I go back and forth and back and forth between this half of our family population throughout most of the day. Comforting and resolving and training and then comforting and resolving and training all over again.
Sometimes 3/4s of our family does a lot of crying. I'm not much of a screamer.
These days we manage to get ourselves to the splash park near our house usually once a week. Eleanora and I sit on the outskirts with my other mom friends, sweating and watching Evie whine and reluctantly stick her hands in the water spouting out of a fake alligator's nose. She comes back over after approximately two seconds of splashing to sit with us, and I wonder what on earth we are doing here if none of us are splashing. And then I look over at my friends and think, Adult Conversation. Yes, that is why I'm here. And for that, it's so worth it to not splash at the splash park.
These days we are eating lots of watermelon and drinking lots of Capri Sun.
These days I sometimes count down the hours until bedtime.
Sometimes, after I finally get both girls to sleep, I sit on the couch by myself and eat a pile of Starburst and drink a margarita that came in a bottle from Publix. I consider this to be some pretty classy "me time" if I ever saw any.
I'm having trouble feeling very productive and organized and generally "with it."
These days....my husband is doing most of the cooking. Bless his soul.
These days I try to remember what is true, but sometimes...a lot of times....I forget to remember.
These days my mind goes to places it shouldn't. To doubt and guilt and regret and fantasy scenarios that usually involve me imagining how it would be much cooler to be a different version of me....one that maybe does more each day, one that maybe is living a more thrilling story.
Sometimes I fantasize about getting a tattoo...because that's about as bad ass as I'm ever going to get these days.
Mom, if you're reading this, I probably won't ever actually get a tattoo and...sorry for using the word ass.
I know these days will get better. They will become easier and clearer and happier. I will start to feel more comfortable in the skin of this new phase of my life I'm in.
I know that one of these days I'll see where this story of mine is going and I'll think that it turned out to be quite beautiful. Maybe the middle was pretty slow going, but it was necessary. Maybe these quiet years of my life won't make for good action scenes, but out of them I'm acquiring some pretty priceless character development.
I know I will get stronger and wiser and braver as I go through these days because I am already stronger and wiser and braver than I was when these crazy days began two months ago.
Slowly. The growth in these days happens very, very slowly and is filled with much backtracking and straying off the path.
But I remember these words from an old hymn and I have hope,
"But I know Whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that day." - Daniel W. Whittle
God knows what He is doing with these days He's given me to walk through, with this story He is writing for me.
I don't always believe this, and I often get frustrated. But I know deep down it's true.
These days can be so trying and so mundane sometimes.
But it makes everything worth it to know that these days that accumulate and pile upon one another are really pages of a much greater, much more lovely story.
A story with an ending that is definitely worth the wait.
*** If you enjoyed this post, you might like this one that I wrote a while back called Someone Else's Middle.